GUILT - TRIPS
As a lifelong people-pleaser, learning how to cope with guilt has been one of the hardest mountains to climb. Even though I have learned to say no, I still suffer bouts of guilt in doing so.
If we were raised in an environment where we were taught to meet people’s needs above our own we have literally been conditioned by shame. Guilt-tripping is not just a tool employed by narcissists. It is commonly associated with those suffering from anxious attachment too.
There is not a person alive who hasn’t been on the receiving end of “I can’t cope with life when you do/don’t do XYZ to/for me” or worse still “I am suicidal/sick/depressed, why are you being so mean to me?”. There are several ways that people play on our conscience to get what they want. A healthy person recognizes such coercive behaviors and steps away with the understanding that this is not acceptable communication, a people pleaser bends over backward to alleviate the unpleasant guilt-induced discomfort by giving in to the demands.
Having been taught to respond to such behaviors with kindness, I also learned that it was a great method to employ when seeking kindness and I have certainly dished out my fair share of guilt trips before recognizing and transcending this shadow aspect. Naturally, we would unconsciously learn and apply unhealthy patterns we were exposed to. Whether a person is guilt-tripping or on the receiving end of such behaviors, it’s important to recognize the energies that are really at play.
In the case of the guilt tripper - we are simply trying to get our needs met because we have not yet learned or become empowered to meet our own needs. For the people pleaser that bows to the guilt - we have low self-esteem and are trying to control the other person person'stion of us because we cannot bear to be perceived as mean and want to prove that we are ‘nice’.
In both cases, such behaviors reveal a deep-rooted self-love deficit, insecurity, and feelings of powerlessness.
If we were healthy and self-sufficient in meeting our own needs for love, we would not need to induce guilt in others to receive it. If we were healthy and loved ourselves as we are, we would not need to be validated and approved of by others and so would not feel the need to ‘prove’ that we’re ‘a good person’ by people-pleasing.
It’s vital, to be honest with ourselves and aware of our own conduct. There is no need to judge or shame, that merely perpetuates the same vicious energy. We can learn to say no to both giving and receiving guilt trips by being accountable to ourselves. Next time you find yourself shaming someone for not meeting your needs allows yourself to honor the part of yourself that is hurt and needs love, take some deep breathes, and have a loving chat with yourself. If you find yourself on the receiving end of a guilt trip give yourself permission to say no and again, give that part of yourself that feels bad and means some love - it’s ok to explain ‘I care about you but I need to take care of myself right now.
Developing healthy boundaries around such behaviors allows us to operate more authentically and in congruence with our own needs. We all have the power to give ourselves what we need and whilst we cannot educate every guilt tripper or people pleaser in proper and healthy communication we can educate ourselves.
I have found that whilst I can say no and be aware of my own predisposed behaviors, alleviating the uncomfortable feelings associated with these behaviors is still challenging for me, but little by little, day by day, I let go of more and more guilt, shame and need for approval.
This is such an important topic that affects us all. Be real with yourself about how you respond to guilt and how you induce guilt - from there you can begin to heal the parts of you that are still hurting. Such radical self-reflection allows you to move more deeply into a state of not only truth and recognition but genuine self-care and self love 💖 All of which help us to be more happy, healthy, and whole.
Good work ��
ReplyDeletethank you!
Delete